a morning,

had a good fuck lust night, but she fell asleep soon, so i'm still all so horny. so i got to the studio, and i dress up, put on lipstick, earings, short black skirt, lingerie, and turn myself on, record it on video and let myself go off.

i'm shaking, it's a forbidden fruit, man in lingerie, dressed up in women's clothes. what an excitement. i'm not too bothered by my belly. doesn't look feminine. i kinda almost prefer my facial hair and lipstick. it's queer and wierd. saliva in my mouth. i have to finish quick, before others come. i'm locked in. kids in school. in my closet (apart from the stage appearances). i will come quick, i'm sure... perhaps i manage multiple.

it's so arousing. far from wanting to be so called sissy. don't want to be submitted.

to be a beautiful sexy woman myself is unrealistic. yes, i admit, i project myself through that image, but that's too much of a fantasy and i really don't want to go that far - the biggest obstacle would be taking all that body hair off (legs, arms..). but i'm interested in a strange hybrid of feminine and masculine...

and another point that bothers me for quite a while is programming of male mind - all the fishnets and sexy lace, "perfect" curves, without errors, in beautiful light, women posing as they would love you to touch them, offering themselves to you, in a picture, in a nude pose, in a pornographic appearance... and all the porn, blowjobs, fucking, sexualized violence, domination... with us guys jerking and squirting our semen on these (moving)(!) pictures, those frozen actions (ah those animated gifs, in an eternal repetition loops!), all these are actually programming our minds. so what can a man, that is sensitive, and considers himself a humanist, a feminist, then do, in order to escape such programming - because, surely, one doesn't want to request from a woman to be that woman from a picture...

to me it seems the only option to put lace on myself and get off heavily!

an after party

It feels like something is very "wrong" with this ... sexuality. This intense arousal, caused by images, strong fantasies, projections, seems like creating a vicious circle of spending. It's a downward spiral. This energy is not ... sustainable... and it causes the feeling of emptiness as it is spend though petit mort, through ejaculation, orgasm.

I'm interested in exploring this state of mind, state of sexuality, but with a lot of jumping out and taking a "critical", "wise" look from the distance... Returning in, writing, composing, zooming out, creating, recreating, screaming, cuming... But essentially I want my sexuality to feed me, to make me stronger, crazier and, as well, calmer. I'm thinking of Tantra and Mantak Chia, for example. Practice the suspension and re-use of sexual energy. They advise absolutely no fantasizing. And, surely, all imagery (tumblr, xhamster, what not), falls out of favour here.

So, how could I explore and artistically express this programming and addiction of male mind, using queer and wierd gender-fucking, and at the same time travel the path of reversing the downward spiral (back) up?

(from pears-of-eccentrica-gallumbits tumblr)